There was a time when I had to switch majors as a freshman. I wanted to be in Illustration instead of Fine Art because there are more opportunities on the ground. I was refused thrice and I had no where else to go. And I went back to them saying I really needed a place and they said that my portfolio was abysmal. And it just completely tore me apart. Because I had nothing else and nowhere else to go.
I don’t think I’ve been more lost than I am right now. Because I’m trying to find my passion and at the same time, keep my job which I think is any millenial’s problem right now. Although I’m not a millenial.
I also feel I am lost because I don’t know what our generation is going to stand for. Being a part of this generation, I want to add to what it stood for. So I’m confused and lost and feeling a little bit burdened. But that’s exactly why I am in Goa. I’m here to find answers, make some space and… yeah, get found.
I was about 5 years old when I lost my mom in the market. I remember it was crowded and I was absolutely alone in the chaos. I tried looking for my mom but I just couldn’t spot her. I was close to tears but somehow, I managed to stay calm and think. Fortunately, I knew the way home, so in a flash of inspiration I decided to head home and wait for her there.
I have been scared of water since as far back as I can remember, but on this trip, I decided to shed my inhibitions and quite literally, take the plunge. There was a moment under water when I swear, I knew for a fact that I was going to die. But it was over as quickly as it came and in hindsight, it wasn’t that bad after all. I know for a fact that I’m going back from Goa stronger than I came.
After my 12th grade exams, I wanted to do Fashion Designing but my parents didn’t agree so I ended up doing BMM. On the first day of college, I felt utterly lost. One semester later, I knew I didn’t belong there. So I dropped out and took a year off to think about myself and what I wanted to do with my life. I haven’t looked back since. I study fashion design now and I know that life is too short to spend even a minute doing something that doesn’t make me happy.
Being an avid traveller, I’ve often got lost in new cities but the only time I really felt lost was this once when I was in Paris. I had been out all day and my phone battery had died. But that didn’t seem like a big problem because I was going to sleep at a friend’s place that night and it was only a direct metro away. In a city where there are 17 train lines, a direct metro is nothing short of a miracle. I land outside her building at midnight, only to realise that I didn’t know the access code to unlock the building door. The building phone was broken and mine, dead. Seeing no other way out, in true desi style, I began to call her name out loud from below. The only response that elicited was drunken sniggers from passers-by. A window on the fifth floor opened a few minutes later and a man looked down. I swear I started to pray for him not be a rapist or a serial killer.
Instead, he asked me what was wrong and when I explained my predicament, he threw a little chit of paper with the access code to the building. I was overwhelmed by how he went out of his way and took the risk to give access to his home to a person who could, in all probability, have been a rapist or serial killer too.
The time when I really felt lost in my life was when I had a brutal breakup with my ex-girlfriend. When we were together, everything was great and I knew she was the one. When we broke up, I was in straight depression for three months. I was constantly in the same energy, I was sad within and I was spreading sadness all around me. My parents asked me to go for therapy, which I did. I also did a meditation course called Vipassana which helped me a lot to get out of that energy. At the time, I was also at crossroads and had to make the big decision of choosing in between work and passion. I chose the latter, moved to Goa and didn’t look back. I have no expectations now. I just live moment to moment.
When I landed in Malaysia, I, naturally, had a fear because I didn’t have any family, I didn’t know the way, where I should go. I found myself wishing I had a hero. So I decided to pause, take a moment to slow down and think what I wanted to do next. As answers started to come to me, I realised I was my own hero.
4 days ago, on a whim, I set off on a trip to Goa with nothing but train tickets in place with a friend and some friends of friends (and friends of friends of friends) who were merely acquaintances before this trip happened.
In the last 4 days, we painted murals on the walls of a hostel in exchange for accommodation, met some of the most interesting people, drove 50 kms from Madgaon to Anjuna and back on a scooter, took random pitstops on the way to check out cute B&Bs and watch the sunset, danced in 6 different clubs, discovered the most beautiful little cafe with nothing but an Instagram picture for reference, dragged our mattresses and lay down in the parking lot to watch the stars as we listened to slow music, jumped into a pool in our party dresses, pulled an all nighter and napped on the sidewalk of a petrol pump the next morning, ate cross-legged in front of a railway station.
I’ve been a painter since the very beginning. I found myself being lost about four or five months back when no amount of motivational talk could push me to go ahead and make something. But since I go the mail from The Lost Tribe, there has been a change in my personality and perspective. I was very excited about meeting new people and painting with them and probably getting inspired from them. This idea of getting new people together and getting them to paint with one another has added to my emotionality and my sentimental value when it comes to just painting, you know.